Batshit

Batman scrolling through Instagram on his Batphone, scowling at Superman’s selfies. He accidentally likes, then quickly un-likes, a valencia-filtered picture of Superman and Lois sharing avocado toast.

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Batman perched on a skyscraper, listening to guided meditation.

“Imagine your thoughts as fish in a stream. Notice them as they swim by, but don’t catch them.”

A bank alarm sounds. Sighing, Batman leaps.

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Batman ordering Postmates while Alfred’s on vacation. Then he remembers the whole secret identity thing. He cancels his Chipotle burrito, logs out as Batman, logs in as Bruce Wayne and makes the same order. Probably no one will notice, right?

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Batman squeezing into his Batsuit, worried that he has gained weight.

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Batman noticing a parking ticket on the Batmobile’s windshield. He considers calling Commissioner Gordon, making it go away. But wouldn’t that be as bad as picking up a gun?

Still, though – you never saw real cops getting tickets. Would he ever be appreciated?

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Batman swiping left on Vicki Vale and right on Selina Kyle. No match. Disappointed, he closes Tinder and goes to PornHub.

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Batman on a treadmill watching CNN on mute. President Luthor’s giving a press conference about the coming nuclear war. He wonders if he should try to get involved, if he should be more politically active. He turns on Real Housewives instead.

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Batman reaching under the Batcomputer to unplug the Batrouter, count to fifteen, and plug it back in. If this doesn’t work, he’ll have to call Comcast.

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Batman eating probiotic yogurt, wondering if it works or is a marketing scam. His phone chimes with a Facebook invite to the Justice League Christmas party. He responds with Maybe, but he knows he won’t attend.

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Batman Venmoing Robin $200, adding a memo that, “This is the last time!”

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Batman taking Advil, then wondering if he takes it too often. He googles, “how often you can take Advil?” and scrolls through the WebMD page for liver failure, briefly feeling worried. Then he opens an incognito tab and navigates to PornHub, fingers reaching into his Batbriefs.

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Batman pausing mid-punch to ask Bane about his workout. “You do interval training, right?”

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Batman chuckling at The Joker’s latest tweet, before stopping himself and looking around to make sure that no one saw him. Of course no one did. He’s in the Batsubmarine.

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Batman re-watching The Office on Netflix, wondering if should go into the Wayncorp offices, if maybe he could make friends.

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Batman cupping his hands around his mouth and shouting, “Echo!” in the Batcave, and listening to it echo.

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Batman consulting Quora to get help with The Riddler’s latest riddle.

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Batman waking up sweaty, panicked, feeling like the walls are closing in. He tries to take a deep breath, then panics that he can’t breathe. Frantic, he digs through his nightstand and finds a bottle of Xanax. He takes one, then takes another.

For a moment, he feels calm, almost okay. Then his Batclock chimes that it’s time to wake up, and he throws it at a wall, shattering it into Bat-pieces.